| “ | Well, Rita, this is quite a pickle you got yourself into. Planning a party for your best boss’s loved ones in half an hour? Some would say it can’t be done. | ” |
—Rita
The Rita Minute 3: Happy Birthday, Mista Steel! is a bonus, non-canonical episode from season two of The Penumbra Podcast. It was released December 24, 2017.
Overview[]
It's December 24th, and you know what that means: it's Mista Steel's birthday, and it's up to Rita to make it the best birthday ever in a star-studded special that includes both of Juno's friends and some people who are lukewarm about him. Can Rita put together the ultimate birthday party in thirty minutes? Maybe! Is Juno's birthday really on the 24th? This episode is not canon and the Martian calendar is famously inconsistent, so I don't know, what do you think!
Episode Summary[]
The episode begins with Rita watching a live streaming of Galactic Paper Spaceship Grand Prix. In the middle of her stream, she receives a call from Franny, who reminds her that she's hosting a surprise birthday party for Juno Steel later that same night.
Without realizing it, Rita has lost track of time while watching the Galactic Paper Spaceship Grand Prix and ended up with only 30 minutes to prepare for the party. The plan for Juno's birthday, as he knows it, is that he and Rita are supposed to go out for a movie together. However, Rita wants to plan something special for his birthday. Her surprise party checklist includes: Rita, snacks, a way to get Juno to come to her apartment instead of meeting at the theatre, and most importantly, inviting Juno's friends, which is the part she's forgotten to do.
Mick Mercury, Juno's childhood friend (and self proclaimed best friend), calls Rita to warn her that he might be late to Juno's birthday party, but he's five minutes out and on his way.
After that call, Rita decides she needs to call Juno's other friends as well, and hacks into the Dark Matters database to talk to Sasha Wire. In a case of mistaken identity, Sasha initially thinks Rita's call is about a secret deal involving Dark Matters. After Rita clarifies who she is and why she is calling, Sasha hangs up the call.
Mick calls back, asking for clarification on where Rita lives and what her apartment looks like. After Rita describes her location, Mick realizes he isn't in the right place at all. Mick had interpreted 'Lakeview' (Rita's address) to mean a view of a lake, and not the name of a street. He is now stranded in Valles Marineris, 14 hours away from Hyperion by hovercycle.
Running out of options, Rita calls her last hope, Juno's friends from the HCPD. Since Valles Vicky and the Prince of Mars are apparently unable to attend and Rita decides it would be better to uninvite Cecil Kanagawa after hearing what he plans to bring with him as a gift, Rita calls Omar Khan, captain of the HCPD. Khan refuses Rita's invitation, as he is too busy celebrating the Earth holiday Christmas Eve with his children, and the two don't particularly like each other anyway. Rita begins crying from the stress of making the best, most perfect surprise birthday party for Juno. Khan offers some sage wisdom for Rita about the true meaning of birthdays: they allow us to celebrate how lucky we are to be living and able to spend time with our loved ones.
Juno arrives at Rita's apartment shortly after her call with Khan. When Juno enters her apartment, he fears being greeted by a surprise birthday party and is relieved when he sees that isn't the case. Rita is taken aback by Juno's relief, but he explains that he has had a long day and isn't up for much more than enjoying a movie with Rita.
As Juno goes to Rita's bathroom to clean up before their movie night, Rita receives a guest at her door. Rita rushes to the door to usher whichever guest arrived to leave, but it is only a delivery of flowers meant for Juno. Juno takes the bouquet, full of dahlias and roses and a card that says 'Happy Birthday, Juno.'
Cast and Crew[]
Cast[]
Starring
- Kate Jones as Rita
- Stefano Perti as Mick Mercury
- Harley Takagi Kaner as Sasha Wire
- Jason Mellin as the Dark Matters agent
- Elliott Sicard as Omar Khan
- Joshua Ilon as Juno Steel
- Noah Simes as Peter Nureyev (character credited as "Well—you know who.")
- Kevin Vibert as Stream Presenter (uncredited)
Crew[]
- Kevin Vibert, Co-creator, Lead writer
- Harley Takagi Kaner, Co-creator, Director, Sound designer
Quotes[]
RITA: “Recipe for one Mista Steel’s best surprise birthday party ever, by Rita. Item one: Rita. Item two: snacks. Item three: Convince Mista Steel you forgot when his birthday was, so that he doesn’t think you’re planning a party.
(NASTY GIGGLE)
Item four: Tell Mista Steel you wanna go see a movie on his birthday but your car is broken and Franny is dead so he needs to pick you up. Item five: more snacks, items six through nine, even more snacks…” Yep, everything good so far. Looks like I checked off everything on this OH NO!
(GASP)
I forgot… the last thing…“Item ten: Invite Mista Steel’s friends.”
RITA: Hello, this is Rita’s house, starring Rita! How can I help you? MICK: Hey, hey, Rita! Just the woman I wanted to talk to! RITA: I know that voice…Hey, wait a minute, are you the one who keeps callin’ and tryin’ to sell me phone books from thirty years ago? MICK: No! I mean, yes. But that’s not why I’m calling! It’s me, Rita, Mick Mercury! Juno’s best friend? RITA: Well, I don’t know about that.
WIRE: Hello? Who is this? RITA: This is Rita! Hi! AGENT: Agent W, we need your full attention here! WIRE: Yes, fine, just give me a moment. Alright, “Rita,” out with it. What’s this all about? Who put you up to this? Was it the Neptunians? Yoblonsky’s men, did he get you this signal? RITA: What? Oh, no, Sasha, I just got this signal all by my little old self.
KHAN: Oh geez, oh no, oh fuddlenugs… NOOR KHAN: Omar! That had better not be work on the phone! We were just about to start wrapping presents! KHAN: Yeah, uh, it’s not work, Noor! Just a… crying lady! Be right out! NOOR KHAN: Omar! KHAN: I said I’d be right out! Thank you for respecting my space!
KHAN: Alright. Fine. You need some wisdom? You need old man beardo to come down from the mountain and give you his ten amendments? Well, I don’t got ten. I only got one. But here it is: You know what the true meaning of Christmas is, Rita? RITA: No. I don’t care about Christmas. I care about Mista Steel, an’ it’s his birthday! And it ain’t even Christmas, you said, it’s Christma Zeve, and— KHAN: Alright. True meaning of birthdays, then. Christmas is probably somebody’s birthday. That’s just math. But anyway, the true meaning of birthdays is this: you didn’t die yet. RITA: Hmm, yes, hmm.
(PAUSE)
Captain, I don’t know what that means.KHAN: It means… I don’t know, you could be dead! You know how easy it is to be dead? People do it every day. Some people know it’s comin’, some people don’t, some people are scared of it, some people aren’t. But the fact is that once you go dead there’s no going back, so, like… it’s pretty special that you’re not right now. So on your birthday we just… mark the day you started living. We celebrate it. You get your loved ones all together and you kiss em and love em because, hell, you’re not gonna be able to do it forever. And that means no matter how many friends you got with you, no matter how your life’s going today, no matter how many people you left behind… that means today is pretty special. Always. RITA: (SNIFFLE)
Wow, Captain Khan. That was real nice.KHAN: Yeah. It was, wasn’t it.
(SNIFFLE)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go hug every single one of my kids at least a couple times.RITA: Okay. Have a good Christma Zeve, Captain Khan. KHAN: Yeah, you too, Rita. And tell Steel…Just give him a hug, okay? Poor sucker looks like he needs it.
RITA: Mista Mercury, hi, hello, glad you made it, but now you gotta go, I’ll talk to you later— ???: Mister who? RITA: Mista… Oh. It’s just a delivery man. ???: Indeed it is. Tsar Shipping, at your service. Sign here, please...And there you are. RITA: But I didn't order any flowers— ???: Goodbye.
JUNO: What are those? RITA: Uh… flowers? Card says they’re for you. JUNO: Can I… see them…? RITA: I mean, they are yours, Boss. JUNO: Does the card say anything? RITA: It just says “Happy birthday, Juno.” Aw, that’s nice, ain’t it? Must be from a client who knows where I live and also knew you were going to be here at exactly this time today. Sweet.
(PAUSE)
Uh, Boss? You okay?JUNO: Yeah. Yep. I’m fine. Probably just… jumping to conclusions.
RITA: Happy birthday, Mista Steel. And merry Christmas. JUNO: Yeah. Thanks.
(PAUSE)
Wait, what the hell’s a Christmas?RITA: I don’t know. Captain Khan told me to say it. JUNO: Captain Khan… Why were you talking to Captain— RITA: Woooops, wouldja look at the time, we’re nearly gonna be late for the movie, let’s go, Mista Steel, I won’t take anythin’ but the best seats in the house! JUNO: Yeah. Alright. Be right there.
(PAUSE)
Dahlias and roses… huh.
Trivia[]
- Christmas seems to be primarily celebrated on Earth, given both Juno and Rita's confusion towards the phrase "Christmas Eve" and how Khan describes it as "an Earth thing."
- If Khan's descriptions are accurate, Christmas traditions seem to have evolved and changed over time. These traditions include wrapping presents and putting them under a tree, Khan dressing up as "a big happy giant in red clothes" and trying to steal the presents while his children hit him with a stick to make him spit out all the chocolate coins he crammed in his mouth, and going door to door to ask for "letters cut out in the shape of different guts and things."